vicissitudesofmeg

boo

2010-11-21T01:49:00.001+08:00

2010-11-21T01:36:00.000+08:00

I will be back an hour-ish. will you still be on?

Not surprisingly. Never did.

Awesome. I should just stop waiting.

2010-10-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

Somehow just somehow i feel like i am all alone in this world like i am a nobody and not meant to be anyone at all why do i exist why do i have to feel like this trapped and putting up with all these pretense that i am always happy i am not sometimes i am miserable and sad but the person i want to turn to the most is not there well that person cant be there all the time but i just wish just hoped that magically that person will appear and take me away far away from everything i worry too much and i am really scared now.

I miss you.

30 May - Kaza

2010-06-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

Internet is like a scarce good here. The man who owns the internet café down the street from our guest house promised Ishita (our lady boss) and many other foreigners that he would open at 3pm today but unfortunately he fell ill. So, Alex and me, lured by the promise of connectivity with the world, marched down the rocky and sinuous pathways that blessed vehicles with stomach-churning rides uphill.
We came slightly earlier (Actually we were half an hour early. See. That was how deprived we were of global connectivity) but unfortunately he was not open. We bumped into Ishita, Sunil and Peng Kee who was having lunch at the all-you-can-eat vegetarian restaurant called Rasyhul. Guess what? NO INTERNET. Ishita informed us that the owner was ill and that he MIGHT open for business in the evening. I think we had to deal with so much uncertainty (maybes, probablys, possiblys etc. You name it, we heard it) that we are taking it all in our stride now. We met a Russian lady wearing a colourful woolen-like poncho before this and she was waiting dutifully outside the internet café so I ran back there from Rashyul to inform her that it was not going to be open at 3pm as promised. Thank goodness Ishita told me because if not, that poor lady will just be waiting there in the cold, with no phone to contact anyone. I would hate that if that it were me.
Anyway, so now I am waiting for my turn to use the LAN cable. There are 7 LAN cables in all and all are like taken. Shucks. I need to upload the photos on facebook, the funny videos we took and talk to my family! I can’t help but miss my family and friends! Not to mention training in the pool and running at Macritchie. =( Gawd, there is a river here called Lake Spiti but I must be mad to swim there. The weather here is like a bloody 5-6 degrees Celsius in the day and drops to 2-3 degrees at night!
Last night was pure torture! We moved to our new guest house which has only 2 flimsy blankets and beds as hard as a washing board. I must be reincarnated and born in rural China where they sleep on rock-hard beds and pillow and eat tasteless food 365 days a year, I thought. My room-mate, Alex, was shivering so much from the 2 degree Celsius cold that we practically had to hug each other to sleep! Luckily, I had heat patches bought from Isetan so I placed one on her tummy and one between a folded towel wrapped around her feet. It was pretty scary as I thought she’d get hypothermia! Fortunately, she calmed down after a while. Phew. We badly need the quilts (which came this morning so thank god!).
Oh, and the most embarrassing thing I had ever done in my life was to PEE IN PUBLIC. BEHIND A PILE OF ROCKS WITH DONKEY DUNG BESIDE ME. You can laugh all you want but when nature calls and it is impossible to find toilets around, I suggest you pee with rocks and an umbrella (If you are shy. I am so I used it. Hah!) with the misty mountains in your vicinity. Talk about really letting go in peace man.

27 May - Shimla & peeing behind rocks

2010-06-03T23:30:00.002+08:00

I have never seen such beautiful sceneries in my entire 22 years of my life. NEVER.
Landing at Shimla airport after alighting from the domestic Kingfisher flight was already an experience! Simply because I had never seen an airport that is so quiet and serene before. The gentle hills peppered with patches of greenery and random colourful small buildings scattered around it made the whole scene just so … picturesque. For once, I feel free. No inhibitions and no expectations. I love this freedom.
Now, I am looking at the river flowing beside me as we head towards Kaza after by-passing Mekong Pua. We need to get an Inland Visa to travel across the border to Kaza as the area is just beside the Tibetian border, which apparently are experiencing some border dispute.
Once reaching the airport and collecting our luggages, Alex and I went to the ladies. Nature calls! Anyway, when I wanted to enter the cubicle (I let the lady in front of me go first as I had to wait for Alex to get the tissue paper) that the lady used, I jumped and ran to Alex. The toilet bowl was OVERFLOWING, PEE AND ALL! Omg. The toilet bowl was vomiting, I thought. It was like flooding the floor of the cubicle but thank goodness the floor I was standing on was elevated so it couldn't seep through. Of course, I was laughed at by the locals! Anyway, the second interesting thing was the hand dryer. One has to physically push a button for the hand dryer to start and to switch it off, you have to switch off the main plug. I mean, how cool is that???
Temperature ranges from 10 to 28 degrees so it is pretty comfortable now. Oh! And guess what? We managed to sit on a Yak! It is like a buffalo-like animal but with greater fashion sense (yes, it wears colourful clothes and flowers) and center-parting hairstyle. It also dyes its’ hair golden you know. Don’t play play! I took a picture with a brown coloured one and I am going to ride it when we’re up at Spiti. Yay!
Can you believe that we will have a 1.5 day drive to Kaza? And now we are only just halfway through. Well, we do have a comfortable air-conditioned jeep to bring us there but geez, a 1.5 DAY drive! TP, Alex, Jade and Peng Kee are sleeping in the car now, with their heads nodding to the Hindi music. If one didn't know better, they might think they are enjoying the song but in fact, they are deep in slumber. Haha.
The sinuous roads are making my tummy feel all giddy. To keep the nausea away, I look up at the sky.
Beautiful blue sky. Come, let me embrace you and drink in the fresh air, feel the soft cotton clouds caress my skin. I don’t know what I plan to find here but I am sure I won’t go back empty-handed.

26 May - Off to Delhi we go!

2010-06-03T23:29:00.001+08:00

Leaving Arshivad and Bangalore at the break of dawn on the 26th of May (after spending the night before at the guys’ new service apartment at Diamond District. Verdict? Super condo-like. Only problem was the frequent power cuts that left the ravenous mosquitoes extremely pleased with the many fresh young blood to feed on. ITCHY!). We stayed overnight at Paranganj, New Delhi, reaching at about 1pm India time.
Delhi: BLOODY HOT. It was a freaking 45 degrees outside when we alighted the plane. Oh and it nearly slipped my mind that I nearly couldn't get my luggage out as it was tagged as Bangalore to Shimla even though the airport staff at Bangalore airport said they’ll arrange our luggage’s to be out on the conveyor belt at Delhi. Sheesh. Eventually, as how it always seems to happen in India, things work out in the end. With the elements of frustration and exasperation always present in the scene of course.
Paranganj was unbelievably dusty, smelly and underdeveloped. But it was also extremely colourful and possesses that certain character one cannot find anywhere else. We stayed at Sterling Inn. Per room is about 1000 and 1100 rupees (about S$30-$40) and they had AIR-CON! An auto-rickshaw cheated us as he brought us to supposedly The Mall but in actual fact, it is a small concrete shop house that sells those expensive carpets and jewelry. Such an ass.
Nevertheless, we managed to squeeze in some good shopping for shawls and cheap jewelry! We went into this wholesale store selling some interesting shawls but the owner always seem to want to overcharge us. Here’s what I’ve learned about shop sellers. First, they always ALWAYS say we are their FIRST customers and $xxx is their best price already. Second, they will only be willing to reduce at most 5 rupees for 1 item but possible 10 rupees if you buy two. No difference anyway as still 5 rupees less for each item. Totally failed to convince us that it is a ‘good’ discount. Third, they are bloody persistent in their prices and if you haggle long enough, you might win. However, that is provided you have the time and patience. Locals have it easier as they are charged only like what, 10 rupees? Major discrimination man.
At night, we had dinner with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MFA) people. We went to this Chinese restaurant named Nanking at god-knows-where place (we had a driver to send us practically everywhere. How cool, right? =)) and the food was fantastic! I loved the Kung Pao chicken and kailan. Kailan, you know! My tummy was very happy tonight. The MFA people were very friendly and it was nice getting to know them. Also, it is beneficial for our safety as well as we will be venturing into unchartered territory, at least where NOCIndia is concerned. If anything bad happens, they’ll recognize us and know where we are so they can save us via the copters! I so want to be a GI Jane now.
Fighto!

25 May - Movie & Diamond District

2010-06-03T23:28:00.001+08:00

Time just whizzes by when you’re having fun. Or when you’ve been ill for 3 days consecutively. I was down with diarrhoea, vomiting and had a slight fever a few days ago and boy, was the feeling terrible. My stomach was constantly churning and my body ached like an octogenarian who just ran a marathon and suffered from severe muscle aches.
Nevertheless, the nausea subsided mainly because we have been pampering ourselves a little too much by indulging in lunches and dinners at fine dining restaurants and fast food restaurants like Sunny’s, In China and Pizza Hut. But seriously, the prices here are unbelievable! Take for example, lunch at Sunny’s yesterday. I ate a tournedos steak (in brandy sauce which was too rancid for my palate) and a cup of coffee, all for about S$15! In Singapore, that will cost me up to $40. How cool is that! (And I managed to eat my steak so I can boost my iron levels up! Haha!)
So the Bangalore and Himalayas guys (Nelson, Sukmeet, Yanzhu, Shawn and TP) and the girls (Rachael, Janaki, Jade, Alex, Choon Hwee and myself) went to Garuda mall to watch a Hindi movie called ‘Kites’. Overall, it was a non-conventional Hindi movie as the main female character is mixed Mexican-Japanese lady who is a replica of Megan Fox, only more mature. But still, DAMN HOT. Nevertheless, it was a touching love story (haha. I nearly cried at certain sad parts but I managed to hold it in. Yes!) with good-looking main characters.
Today, the Bangalore guys will be moving into their new apartment. We will all have a party at their place tonight and I am looking forward to it! Apparently, their apartment has a swimming pool! Gosh, how I miss swimming! And running of course.
Oh, and I bought my sari today! At Commercial Street. Mysore Saris shop. Guess what colour did I get? You shall see it on 27th July’s appreciation dinner! =)

Bangalore/Nandi Hills Day 3 (16 May)

2010-05-23T13:30:00.002+08:00

The 5 of us (TP, Alex, Jade, Ai Fung and I) rented a car to go to Nandi Hills today. It cost us 3650 rupees (S$121.67) in total for a 250km ride. This included the 150 rupees tip we gave to Rameesh. Even though we clocked only 160km, the deal we had with Shakeer (Peng Kee’s driver) for Rameesh’s (our driver for the day) of a minimum 250km for 13 rupees for each kilometer traveled was not to be revoked.

The information may all seem very convoluted in the previous paragraph but even when we were paying the fee at a loss, we gained an experience that is invaluable.
Rameesh first showed us the Old Parliament House and the High Court of Karnakata nearby our hostel, Arshivad. What left me intrigued was the phrase scribed on the entrance of the Old Parliament House – “Government Work Is God’s Work”. I know India is a wholly democratic country but is it right to associate government with God? Especially in a country where government officials are still corrupted and nepotism and discrimination is still rife, leaving the poor stranded on the streets to indulge in their sole vocation of begging. This issue requires more investigation and I am really curious to find out what is the government’s actual role in improving the lives of all Indians.

Next, we traveled 80km to Nandi Hills, which is located on the outskirts of Bangalore. On the way there, we made a short stop at an Indian restaurant and had a 700 rupees meal (S$23) for 6 people (I still can’t believe how CHEAP food are here). The butter chicken and paneer (a tofu-like gravy dish) was heavenly! I had to eat red meat so we had an additional mutton dish. The only downside to this restaurant was that the portions were quite small. Nevertheless, the conversation we had with Rameesh throughout the journey was an inspiring one. He could speak English surprisingly well, considering the fact that he only finished school up to Grade 5 (equivalent to Singapore’s Primary 5).

Nandi Hills was amazing! It is located at roughly 2km above sea level and the view is totally breathtaking. The mist (which was essentially the clouds) that envelops the far horizon and being able to see the vast land below me made me feel like I was on the top of the world. I felt truly liberated. There was a Sri Yoganadeeshwaraswamy Temple on top of the hill. We had to take off our shoes and tip the guy working there to guard it in case it gets stolen. Rameesh and a young priest gave a lecture on the different gods and deities in Hinduism. There are essentially 3 Gods – Brahma (god of creation), Vishnu (god of destruction) and . We also saw the god with 9 faces that represents the circle of life. Essentially, this means that this god oversees and controls all facets of one’s life. We also prayed for a holy spirit by scraping a small amount of red dye to place it on our forehead. Honestly, I had never felt so alive in my life. It was like drinking in knowledge after knowledge and feeling so good about it.

We were planning to go to Iskon Temple nearby our hostel next but along the way, Rameesh wanted to visit his son, Rohit, who was staying at his sister’s house. It was just a few kilometers away from Nandi Hills. To our surprise, he invited us to meet his family! Of course we grabbed the opportunity to see how they live and what they do for their livelihood. It was just a small house with very frequent electricity cuts but cosy. It basically looks like a one-room flat with only a queen size bed and a kitchen. Nalini (Rameesh’s sister) made us the best milk tea I had ever tasted! She called it ‘special tea’ but we named it ‘Nalini tea’. I just had to get the recipe so I asked her to teach me the method of making this wonderful concoction. It was not just the sweetness of the tea that I loved but the love and warmth that is injected in the tea and their company. Her daughter, Nitra, is such a pretty young girl too. Rameesh’s mother could not speak English but she could understand everything we said. Intelligence should never be judged by the external appearances.

We didn’t manage to go to Iskon Temple after all due to time constraints. However, the time spent at Nandi Hills with Rameesh and my dearest new friends as well as new local friends made superceded my expectations. I feel like I am getting in touch with myself each day.

Life is such an adventure!

Bangalore/Nandi Hills Day 1 (14 May)

2010-05-23T13:28:00.001+08:00

To think that we were lucky enough to experience an adventure even before we reach India!

The voided e-tickets that affected Alex, TP, Wei Chang and I were the root of the problem. Only Ian and Jade were given the green light to board the plane. Finally, after much commotion (and nerve-wrecking waiting as well as negotiation!!) we finally managed to board the plane! Talk about an adventure even before we lay a foot in India! Now, I just hope things will go smoothly from here. Right.

P.S: I apologize to my family and darling Erika for making you worry and waiting anxiously for me at the airport! *hugs*

Miss you

2010-05-01T23:51:00.001+08:00

Even for that short adolescent years, it was wonderful having a friend like that. One whom you could talk to without being inclined to behave pretentiously, who accepted you no matter how ugly you are, who defended you fiercely whenever you are provoked by an enemy and loving the same silly and girly hobbies like baking, sketchbooking and reading. Yes we were bookworms and proud of it.

I really miss those days. I used to think she was a merciless bully who preyed on the weak but as time went by, I have come to love her sweetness and fierce loyalty for those whom she cares for. She taught me a whole lot of things about the world outside the sheltered one I had been living in. Our obsession with cute pencils from Kinokuniya and Daiso, buying Vivi magazines even though it cost a bomb, gossiping about our dream guy and how we are to fall in love. How guys ought to treat girls and how to stand up for myself. Even when we do not even get to meet these past few years, I still think about my best friend and worry about her often though I don't say it or show it.

Selfish? Yes. It is time I change. I can't let guys or school (well not so much) get in the way of spending time with her. Now I realize that.

2010-04-23T21:20:00.001+08:00

今まで私はけんこうだと思った。けど、まちがえたかなぁ。。このあいだ、病院へ行った。せんせいは「体のちょうしがよくないから、たぶんヒマラヤへ行けないかもしれない」と言った。じつは、せんせいの話をきいてるとき、私はなきたいとおもった。ほんとう悲しくなる。でも、あきらめない。もういちどちのテストをしたい。インドへ行く前にしたい。体のちょうしがよくなるかどうか、まだわかんないけど、いっしょけんめいがんばっている。神様、ヒマラヤでインターンシップをさせてください。お願い！＊おいのりをする＊

2010-04-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

How can I be so pathetic.

I hate myself for not being able to let go as easily as he can.

WTH. Damn pissed.

2010-03-12T09:43:00.000+08:00

I met an old friend yesterday for dinner and we had a good chat. It is strange how talking to him soothes all my frayed nerves accumulated for the past few weeks, eventually resulting in a ZEN-like state. Ironically, as ZEN dominates the night, a splitting headache pursued, forcing my mum to tuck me in to bed early. Not that I am complaining but worry about the rising workload is always at the back of my mind.

Tomorrow is Singapore Biathlon day. Honestly, I am not very prepared but I am just going to give it my all nevertheless. Without training and the team training hard with me, I think I would have become insane with the pent-up emotions created by external factors. But I will survive, and I am sure darling Mich and the rest of the girls will do so to.

Picking up the pieces, one by one.

2010-03-06T19:03:00.001+08:00

You know. Things have been going pretty bad lately. My mum's been having migrane attacks that practically makes her bedridden for the whole day, or if unlucky, 2-3 days. My dad, well, let's just say that he is not really doing much to make things better. Complaining and procratinating seems to be his favourite activities to do lately. My brother is still out of job. No surprise there. But I guess he is trying so I shall not judge.

I feel as though I have practically no one. I miss my best friend so much but due to my hectic schedule and midterms, this is not the right time to meet up proper. That break-up was terribly terribly hard but I try to survive. I am still trying to heal it with whatever devices I can think of, but to tell you the truth, it is pretty darn hard. I never thought I could be this weak. And sad. I kept on saying to myself that it is for the better, that it is for the best. Then why does it hurt so bad??

It has been 2 weeks already. Yes, I survived 2 weeks. Yay.

Training hard despite the short period of time keeps those detrimental emotions away. You suck, sadness. I know that trashing in the water and running like a madwoman, feeling every single bit of the pain is not the right way to deal with you but you gave me no choice. I just don't know how to deal with you in any other way. Haha. Maybe I need help after all. After years of trying to do things by myself and thinking that you yourself create your own destiny, maybe inviting people to do it with you doesn't sound so bad after all.

2010-02-18T03:30:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep. My body's aching like it has never ached before and my mind is so tired from the terrible tutorial I had to complete and yet, I can't sleep. Am I an insomniac?

So, I'll just tell you about my day today (well, technically yesterday but oh well). I had lunch with the cross-country guys at SuanThai, a Thai restaurant in the afternoon. The company was great, even though I was the only girl who turned up. Heh. Kinda awkward at first but I thought, Roy is Roy who is always so nice and gives wise advice to all of us, and lastly not to forget being an encyclopedia on everything under the sun!

I then went to swim training in the evening. Darn, I was late. But what is new about that?
OMG. Training was CRAZY. I had no warmup or whatsoever and dived down to do the sprint sets immediately. Drank so much water, I thought the pool was going to be dehydrated. Then came the pulls. Even though I felt like s***, I just chanted to myself "Glide, kick,kick,kick. Glide, kick,kick,kick." while cupping as much water as possible to propel myself forward. It does work, you know.
I have to improve on my kicking. Norman gave me some pretty sound advice on the correct way of kicking and I'll definitely keep that in mind the next training. I really want to do well for SingBi next month. I wonder whether I have enough time to be in tip-top condition. As it is now, I think I am gradually improving but not as fast as I would like to. (as always, my impatience is one of my flaws)

Argh. I really pray my injury does not reappear. I know it is all in the mind but it does affect my running, which is a crucial leg in the biathlon. !!!!!!

2009-12-13T20:29:00.000+08:00

I don't understand it. The number of people who were hoarding Suntec City Convention Centre on a hot Saturday afternoon, waiting patiently (or impatiently. I wouldn't know.) for their shot at being an SIA steward or stewardess. It seemed to me like it was an encore to the Singapore Idol try-outs.

As I was sitting at Starbucks, sipping my cup of peppermint mocha (hmm, yum! peppermint makes me feel all christmassy) and reading 'The Tale of Genji", I saw a girl behaving animatedly with her friends a few tables away. It dawned to me that she was actually enacting her interview with SIA. It was pretty funny, I must say. Like how she was bending slightly forward with an imaginary tray in her right hand while she conversed with an imaginary passenger. Doing all this with a plastic smile (a huge one) on her face. Gosh. That must have been hard.

I used to want to be a stewardess. All because of one lovely stewardess working at ANA who tended to me and gave me a cup of orange juice when I was crying on the plane due to my inability to hear anything. In actual fact, due to air pressure, my ears were blocked. Of course, for a 6 year old who all of a sudden thought that she lost her sense of hearing, panic arose. I then thought that she was the most wonderful person in the whole wide world!

As I grew up, I thought and thought about it. I can't imagine myself serving other people. I had enough of that while working as a waitress after my A'Levels and I can't envision myself doing that and enduring sleep deprivation at the same time. I know that one needs to serve in order to be served but I can follow that mantra in an office, thank you very much. In short, I want to be served on an airplane, not serve others. That is my goal.

Nevertheless, a job is still a job. And SIA provides a respectable one. Just hope that some don't see this job as an escape from the harsh realities from life or at home.

2009-10-17T23:48:00.000+08:00

I wish.

I wish.

I wish that all will be well again. I wish that you would not be so angry anymore, daddy. I wish that we can be that picturesque family frolicking happily by the sea as depicted in those travelling photos. I wish I could be that scared little kid who doesn't dare to even dip her toe into the sea for fear of the sharks snapping ferociously at her legs and lets her daddy piggy back her throughout her journey in the sea waters.

I just wish i could see you smile again, without any sadness in your eyes.

Over the years, you have become such a bitter old man. Smoking countless sticks of cigarettes daily, frowning instead of smiling when you see us after or before work and getting carried by your emotions so easily that is to the detriment of the ones you love. I hate to see you waste your life like that. I want to be as close to you as I am to mum but it is hard if you always clam up whenever I try to talk to you on a personal level. Don't you trust me?

2009-10-15T11:14:00.001+08:00

What if you lost one parent and soon after you lost the other one to the clutches of death? Your grief doubles almost instantaneously and you lose yourself. Anything that you can grab a hold of to stay on the path of normalcy, you rip it off someone (or anyone for that matter) or something and hoard it in your closet.

I never knew how badly I treated my parents until I read this particular magazine article today where immediately after their father died tragically in a car accident, their soap opera mother announced that she has colon cancer. The siblings quartet had to relocated to different foster families as their father had left them with only $10 million in debt (what a way to feed your family i must say).

The writer, being a straight A student and the rock in the family for the cancer-stricken mum and mother to all her siblings, should be applauded for her tenacity in times of adversity. Gosh.

It got me thinking. How I couldn't get along with my own father. How irritated I got when he started nagging and telling me "That's the wrong way of pumping that bicycle tyre! You should do it slowly. Don't be so rough. You are a girl, you know." Argh. Dad!! I know what I am doing. You don't have to dictate whatever I say or do and think that YOUR way is the RIGHT way all the time. I am trying to put across the point that you have to let me go, dad. But the funny thing was that I said all that while jumping up and down in frustration like a kid throwing a tantrum. Go figure.

2009-10-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

Oh gawd. How I hate you sometimes.

2009-10-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

The deafening silence is merciless. For every single heartbeat that resounds in this dark and lonely room, that particular heartbeat is getting weaker. It feels like I am in an ice bath. Succumbed to torturous pain while the ice-cold water menacingly bites through my skin, infecting it with zero degree coldness until numbness prevails. I take pleasure in that physical pain. At least it is comparatively better than facing the reality that your own heart is breaking.

I tried to be cold. I tried not to let anything or anyone go through that fort which I had conscientiously built around me. Apparently it was not strong enough. If not, how could I be feeling the way I am now?

Communication breakdown, we claimed. But I guess the reason is not as simple as that. It's funny how people can just drift apart when time and distance makes it difficult for them to enjoy each other's company. Make the effort? Maybe not enough. Absence makes the heart fonder. What nonsense.

I am still hoping. Hoping for a miracle. In the meantime, thank you for everything.

2009-10-06T10:41:00.001+08:00

Exhilaration.

2009-10-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

Something my boss said today got me thinking. "I pity you young kids nowadays. Being caught in a highly competitive world, trapped in a dictatorial educational regime and fighting to break the barrier of ordinariness. So my advice to you is Plan, Plan, Plan. Plan for your future and start early in order to be better than those darn expats with horrendously high-level remunerations", he said while we were talking over drinks.

His words rang as true as the melodiously tunes from a recently-serviced piano. Come to think of it, we Asians find it hard to be better than the Americans or Europeans simply beacause of our inability and fear of failure. Failure is looked upon in disdain by many as it either means you are not getting enough tuition or you are lazy or simply are just not fit for school. However, the importance of failure is that it builds self-esteem and the will to pick oneself up without hesitation and with a stronger resolution to surpass mediocrity.

I have to admit that I have a fear of failure. I mean, doesn't everyone? When was the last time one handed a blank paper during examinations? How often do we get someone who has mediocre grades to voice out his/her opinions in a class full of scholars (or just those really smart students)? Rarely.

Something is wrong here. Initially I always thought that working really really hard will get me somewhere but maybe, just maybe, I may be wrong. The environment, people you mix around with as well as the strength to try out every single possibility even though some will be met with failure determines your success. I hope that I can muster enough courage to fail.

2009-09-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

2 years 2 days exactly.

2 years 2 days worth of shared experiences; some memorable, others exist just to be forgotten. Thank you for being ever so patient and tolerant with my ocassional erratic behaviour and also for being a listening ear to my problems be it small or big ones. Happy anniversary to us! (^v^)

My mum and I went to the nearby mall this afternoon to grab some lunch. Over lunch, we had a talk regarding independence. My my. Was it a touchy subject. Moving out after I am financially stable is something I wish to do and thus I expressed my desire to do so to her. Her response? A sarcastic "Have you forgotten your duties as a daughter?".

Huh?

After giving her comment some thought, I realised that she does not want to be the only woman in the house full of grown men (actually one is still a to-be-overaged teenager) and that she needs my companionship. But how could I leach off my parents by living with them when I am already an adult? Sometimes, I really dislike the Asian's mentality and practice of children still living with their parents even though they are financially sound and psychologically matured. This breeds laziness and a potential long-term dependence that creates the image of us being the atypical incapable spoiled brats.

Yet, even though I want to move out someday to strike it out on my own, my mum's response was appaling. She is actually encouraging me to be dependent on her? I figured that there is a fine line to draw between retaining the strength of the family bond and one own's independence. But how do I go about solving this when I am faced with strong resistance from the family?

2009-09-23T12:28:00.000+08:00

Meeting an old friend for dinner last night (after many failed attempts) made the night truly nostalgic. We reminisced about our days in school, how teachers are so gossipy about their students' lives and who is going out/broke up with who and essentially how far we have gone since we graduated from junior college.

Sometimes, I think how would my life turn out if I made different decisions during the course of my life. Like how would I turn out should I be born and raised in Japan. Or who would I date or what kind of nonsensical paraphernalia I like. After all, in the common nature versus nurture debate, nurture wins most of the time, right?

I met someone once. A guy. He had his whole life planned for him by his parents and he was definitely a somebody. If not now, he will be later. I admired him from afar until lady luck struck me and we landed in the same library together. Subsequently, it was this library that we'd always meet but never once did we utter a word to one another. Until one day.

However, I freaked out. Too much responsibility and uncertainty will prevail I thought. Nevertheless, we are still friends and I am thankful for that. I hope that whatever he wishes to pursue now, he pursues it with much heart and show the world what he's made of.

2009-09-19T22:29:00.002+08:00

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Marky. Happy Birthday to you."

Since I could not be there for his birthday party with the rest of the gang, I hope that my birthday song to him will be resonant enough for my presence to be felt.

It sucks how circumstances do not allow you to do whatever you want, whenever you want it. You have to consider so many external factors and assuage the feelings of others whenever you need to make a decision. I may be individualistic but I can't help but feel ... Choked.

Strangled.
Tied down.
Suppressed.

"Girls should manage the decorations of the house."
"Girls should not have scars."
"Girls should obey their parents."

Yadayadayadayadayada.

Come on. I know I screwed up the festive mood last year that led to you slapping me in public. But disallowing me to go to my boyfriend's birthday party? I sometimes don't like you at all.

Neverthelss, have a fabulous one my darling. *hugs*

2009-09-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

Rockstars. With glorious guitars slung over their shoulders, decked out in black jeans and metal-buckled belts and a devil-may-care attitude to boot. Obviously, the guys get the glory. Obviously, the guys get the attention. Obviously, the guys get to portray their stellar talents and amazingly dashing good looks.

Obviously, the girls only get to be the groupies.

Groupies? Come on. You guys can think of better ideas than that. I will give a point for spontaneity but for originality, nil. For fairness, negative 10.

Why can't you guys consider Bond's 007? Women and men are portrayed as powerful creatures in those movies. My tone changed when you mentioned that idea for the D&D tomorrow as it displaces us. Ok, we are your girlfriends but we are NOT to be your pathetic 'groupies' whose job scope entails being at the backend. It is already the 21st century you know. Women have the right to be at the forefront and not always have to support their man's weak backbone all the time. They should have the courage to take a step back and support their women, who may be more successful than them.

I absolutely hate it when my dad whines. For a man his age, I feel that it is thoroughly emasculating for him to say "Megu, massage my foot nah. Very painful noe. Why pain ah?" (makes a pitiful facial expression). He does this to my poor mum too, who is so tired after work and have to pamper him. Argh. Women being coerced indirectly to carry forward an act with reluctance.

You didn't understand. I hope you do now.

2009-09-05T01:18:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, all I want is to run away. No strings attached and just indulge in the days' events as it comes. No planning, no responsibilities and especially not listening to dad's whining about how we always misplace things (when the darn thing he was searching for is right under HIS nose) and how often he preaches about religion.

Carpe diem.

I am a really confused individual. I think my dad and I have a love-hate relationship. I can really hate him for the stupid things he says sometimes. Like how he says that I am never contributing to the family when in fact, I am doing the chores and attending the weekly family dinners. And how rude I am when he asks me questions. Well, I cannot help it if I have to raise my voice so you can hear me since you are hard of hearing now right, dad? Now you are preaching about how I should do this with respect to the religious rules and this is compounded by the fact that it is the fasting month. Gawd. Obligations, obligations, obligations. Why can't I just choose my own path in life? Why do you have to dictate what I have to be and what I have to believe in? Possibly because of you, I think I do not believe in anything except that there is one God.

Yet at the same time, he can be really sweet. Maybe it boils down to fact that we share similar characteristics - hard-headed, stubborn, egoistic, sarcastic and impatient. I refuse to accept what he says without rebutting his claims and he demands that I be compliant.

No way.

Please let me go, dad. I am old enough to have my own opinions and my own life. I know you love me and I do too. But by dictating how I should run my life is only going to make us drift further apart.

2009-08-30T17:27:00.000+08:00

I used to be in a club in primary school. It was called We-Hate-Malay-Boys Club (WHMB) where all the malay girls in this particular clique showed extreme disdain to the obnoxious and mischievious malay boys in our P5-P6 levels. We created a contract in which included all the rules and regulations they had to abide; some of which are not calling derogatory nicknames to any one of us and a password said in a required manner before they can even speak to anyone of us. Silly as it may sound, I loved it. This was the school that changed me from being an extremely quiet and timid girl to one who loves to talk. Cathartic experience? Yes you can definitely say that.

Despite all the inane things we had done, the root cause of the club is still ingrained in me. I still dislike the idea of boys. Do not get me wrong. I do not mean all boys (since I have a boyfriend), but I am referring to all irresponsible and spoiled malay boys. My older brother is an apt example. Why is he still living off hs parents even though he holds a job? Why is he always burdened by debts? And debts. And more nonsensical debts? As much, this personality trait of his has caused much misery and stress to my darling mother who had sacrificed so much for all of us. She deserves better from her children and he definitely does not try to lessen her burden.

Argh. This is thoroughly frustrating. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't born in this world. I wish that my parents never met so my mum would be better off both emotionally and financially with another man and family. I love my mum with all my heart and it hurts so much to see her suffer from their idiosyncracies and needy behaviour.

I have sinned in this confession but I just don't care anymore. Indiscriminate of religion, I only know one God and love one God. Sorry Dad for my detachment because I just can't believe in the things that you do. I was born into this, you didn't.

Saved?

2009-08-29T22:25:00.000+08:00

It is coming close to 2 years now. And I have absolutely no idea what to do to for 'the' celebration. Should I plan for us to go for a nice dinner, movie then taking a stroll downtown while basking in the rainbow of lights illuminating our paths, maybe giving the implication of our bright future together? Or should we just do something out of the ordinary, say go skinny-dipping in the middle of the night in the sea or switching gender roles by wearing each other's clothes out?

Man, this is worrying. The fact that these ideas pop up in my head shows that monotony is ominously approaching. I guess it boils down to the fact that we never really talked about where which path we are going to take TOGETHER a couple of years down the road. I mean, I don't even know whether we'll end up together since we never really sat down and have a heart-to-heart talk on the level of commitment we want to invest in this relationship.

Don't get me wrong. He is my best friend and I hope I am his. Yet, reading and listening to my old friend talk about how committed her boyfriend is by calling her his 'fiance' even though he has not proposed yet has made me ... envious. And I couldn't help but think how uncertain the foundation of our relationship has been.

I just want a Prince Charming to call my own.

Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.
A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and,
under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.
~Maya Angelou

the mighty heart getting weaker and weaker

2009-08-05T01:31:00.000+08:00

Sarcasm.

Pretentiousness.

Is that what it will lead to? The fact that he is feeling so bitter about the lack of time spent together has led to the whole atmosphere being so cold and hostile.

The defiant streak within me is emerging in full force yet again. The more he rebels against me, all the more I will fight until I triumph. So please don't fight. If not, there will be no end to this. Trust me on this.

Fear is a very powerful thing. So powerful that you wish you can just blanket yourself from it by running away, away so so far away and start afresh. But I promised that I won't run, no matter how tempting the carrot that is dangling in front of me so invitingly is.

All I want was for us to do stuff together. Maybe you could have been more of a romantic. But I guess that is just not you. You don't do stuff for girls. Girls probably do stuff for you. I just cannot lie back on that beach chair and watch the world go by. I would be thinking "what a waste of precious time; time which could have been utilized going trekking, bungee jumping and diving!".

Can it be reconciled?

heart-broken

2009-07-29T12:33:00.001+08:00

Im a terrible person. I shouldnt be left alive if disaster actually strikes the world. Not that it wont anyway.

I hate it when he does that. That 'you-never-make-time-for-me' statements. That 'you-said-you-will-call-but-you-didnt-and-this-always-happens'. Don't you get it. I am so tired that I will just knock out like after being inebriated and would not be awake until the next morning. Besides, you could have just call me back and ask me what I am up to. Instead of just watching the clock ticking while your anger brewing in a hot cauldron and disappointment overwhelms you. WHY.

I thought you could handle it. Not a lot of people can tolerate with my behaviour. I may be nice at times but once you really know me, you may not like what you see. Now you are thinking of leaving and all the more, I think that you may not be the one.

I hate this.

2009-07-21T11:50:00.000+08:00

My feelings are very disturbed. The more I think about how I feel, confusion engulfs me. Like an erupted volcano enveloping thousands of life forms and money as well as effort laden man-made architectures. You feel helpless. You feel claustrophobic.

You know that in the end, you die.

Forgiveness?

2009-07-03T01:08:00.001+08:00

Never did I imagine I would hear from my ex-best friend again. Honestly, I thought she had forgotten about me. Horrible as it may sound, I thought I had lost all hope of reconciliation due to the months of silence and detachment from each other's lives. Furthermore, it seemed like she was enjoying herself to the fullest- studying, partying and many rendezvous with her sweetheart - that I felt that I no longer deserve a place in her life.

I am to blame too. I was too caught up with my own activities that I neglected her. Endless tutorials, running meets, exhausting biathlon trainings, quality time with boyfriend etc. Excuses excuses excuses. Selfish girl.

Priorities can change so rapidly that it runs the risk of putting friendship in the back burner. I was so caught up with building up my resume, competing for medals, taxing my mind and body to the max with countless trainings that I forgot one important thing - Erika.

Engagement in discussions with my colleagues regarding the ramifications of being a leader in all aspects was enlightening. Verdict? It is not worth it. Sometimes there is no value-added with additional effort put in your work as others may just destroy it with the dexrity of their tongue (particularly gossip). When all doesnt go well for you, family and closest friends are the ones you can depend on. Everytime.

I slipped. But I am not going to slip again. I promise.

Departure

2009-05-29T17:34:00.000+08:00

Goodbyes are hard to say. If I had the chance, I would eliminate this word out of the English vocabulary. But who am I to dictate what words to be included or excluded in all English dictionaries? All I am is just a helpless human being, subjected to rules and regulations, to traditions, to gender stereotypes and to my own fears of being an anomaly.

Mark left for Surabaya this afternoon. His old schoolmate is getting married on Sunday to his childhood sweetheart in a (I think) grand wedding. Don't you think 23 years old is too young an age to get hitched? I can't help but exhibit an expression of surprise and feel incredulous whenever friends tell me they are to get married. I know I should be happy for them. Hey, it is after all the most pivotal moment of one's life. A lifetime of commitment. A lifetime of friendship.

A lifetime of uncertainty?

I am probably in self-denial. I refuse to admit that I am afraid of commitment. I mean I do not want to risk disappointing the other party as do my dad towards my mum. Love may be strong but is it strong enough to steel itself through the ups and downs of a relationship?

Guilt lasts forever.

the end of misery? i hope it is.

2009-04-17T21:13:00.000+08:00

Money makes the world go round.

Money is the root of all evil.

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.

Money money money.

What is it about this paper form (or paperless with the evolution of technology) that makes people so disillusioned?

2009-04-07T12:56:00.000+08:00

It is officially over. My brother and his fiance just broke off their 1 month engagement.

I am appalled by the short time duration of the engagement. It is like as if it is a game. A game where you toy with another's feelings while embracing deception, forcing to tell yourself that she is the right one. Right. If you do not think she is physically appealing enough for you then why go on with it? If you think she is too naggy, then why endure it? If you dont want to change, then why make that commitment to get engaged?

Is it because you feel that you want others to take you seriously for once in your entire 26 years? So that you wont feel like a good-for-nothing? But how can we if you are still acting like a rebellious adolescent at 16 years of age?? Clubbing, mixing with bad company, bad attitude and girl-hopping? This is embarrassing for me. Utterly embarrassing.

Please grow up. I have lost hope in looking up to you as an older brother. I tried to find something good in you which motivates me to work harder so that we can work together for our parents' sake. Resilience, determination, passion. Anything. Sadly, I can't. It seems like I am the eldest child in the family sometimes you know and occassionally I think it is extremely unfair that you seem to shed all your responsibilities to me.

Dont't disappoint mum and dad anymore. They already have enough on their hands. Get your life back on track. I will always be supporting you.

Esplanade day

2009-04-03T17:00:00.000+08:00

I am going to Esplanade to support Mark who is going to play with his friend's band! how cool is that considering that it is a local band.. =) I am so excited for him!

I might as well don't call if it doesn't make me feel any better

2009-02-28T22:24:00.000+08:00

What consolation can you give when it sounded so fake? I don't need to be baby-ed with your reassurances "it is okay" and "it will be fine" all the time when it sounds like a routine. Just made me feel worse off than before I talked to you.

Maybe you were busy. Well, you should have just said that you couldn't talk then, right?

Have you lost interest in me?

58th SAAA Road Relay C'ships

2009-02-06T19:58:00.000+08:00

The NUS Cross-Country team will be running the 58th SAAA Road Relay this Saturday! I feel really excited about it. Like how often does relay races happen?? Very rare.

Angela will be running instead of Charlene as the latter is still recovering from her fever and flu. I do hope she'll get well soon! She is after all one of the key runners in the team. =) Oh nevertheless, I still think we have a good chance of winning. Provided everything goes well of course.

Praying for both the men and women's team to clinch first position. Double Champions! =)

fatigue kicks in

2009-01-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

With every two strokes, I take in a breath of glorious oxygen. With every once of energy I have, I plunge my arm back into the pale blue water, now the colour even paler whenever dawn turns to dusk.

But I refuse to give in to the screaming pain in my arms. Often, I feel like giving up. I don't want to try anymore. I just seem to get worse. Or is it everyone's getting faster? I hate it.

Running is draining. Both emotionally and physically. I do like it. Why, it is my first love. But when you do something for so long and have to maintain your standard for a long time, it becomes extremely tiring. I refuse to think I am burnt out. No I am not. Maybe I just need rest.

Even at home is stressful. I feel like the onus is on me to be a good girl, do well in school, be financially independent by working and also pay much attention to my parents who are not getting any younger by the day.

At least I have my friends and him. They make life a whole lot brighter than it actually looks. =)

What A Way To Start The Day

2009-01-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

Great.

Just when you think that you are invincible, your whole world crashes down on you. Brick by brick, the pain intensifies until you whimper in pain. Screaming sounds like a better alternative, you thought. Hearing people with no faces screaming at the top of their lungs in the secret corners of MacRitchie Reservior every Sunday is a common occurence. Why, it is even said to be therapeutic given the high stress levels we are subjected to daily.

Is it?

I would feel ashamed. Isn't that showing defeat? A form of weakness? Hah. Maybe I happen to have a big ego.

Darn those rocks. I hate them. I love and hate the trail of the 8km route. It can be terribly nice to you on good days yet horribly mean to you on the days it throws temper tantrums. Yesterday was the latter. About 200m before the 5th slope, my ankle gave way. She lost the battle to the evil, jaggered-edged rocks. A numbing feeling dominated my right ankle and sharp pains followed suit.

I cursed myself. Silly girl. Why were you so careless? Don't you know how to take care of yourself? You ran this route for a million times and yet you can sprain your ankle? When races are just around the corner? How irresponsible can you get??

Thank goodness a good Samartian stopped by and helped me up. I would have teared right there and then if not for him. To that good Samartian, thank you!

Constricted in a bandage and travelling to Alaskan weather for 30 minutes every 2 hours, I am pleading to you. As quick as you can ever be, please heal.

Frivolity in Beauty of Love

2009-01-20T11:56:00.000+08:00

Are engagements so frivolous? It may not be as serious as marriage but still.. As far as my knowledge of this goes, both parties have made a commitment to one another and are willing to work together through all tribulations. Right? Or so I thought.

My brother and his fiancee has been facing several problems recently. He claimed that he cannot afford to wait for her to change herself anymore and that he is willing to be happy even if it means not being with her and breaking the engagement. What change does he mean, you may ask. Well, showing more TLC, cooking for him more often, being more financially stable and sharing his love for clubbing(maybe)? This is like so strange. From the way that she behaves, I think that she shows a whole lot of love towards him by waiting for him to wake up from his sleep in our estate in the wee hours of the morning (I was going for a run at that time. 7am!!! now that is devotion.) so that he would complete the task he was supposed to do that day. And what about coming by our house after a tiring day of work just to see him? Only to see him deep in slumber and not bothering to entertain her (she is a guest, for goodness sake!). What about allowing him to enjoy his love for the night life and establishing relationships (close friendships in fact) with random girls and meeting them behind her back?

I am utterly disappointed.

Even though his defense is usually that she nags too much, tells him off for misbehaving often and having close calls with the law occasionally and that irks him so badly that he feels discouraged about their 4 year relationship, that is still NO reason to treat her that way. He can't be spoiled all the time right? I mean he is the first child and first boy in the family so no doubt he is pampered. But can he really think that his future wife can match up to our mum? It's pretty impossible.

The one thing she said that touched me was that although she knew that life with my brother will be peppered with fights and disagreements, she is willing to go through that pain, the heartbreak and the crying every day just so long as she can be with him.

I teared.

I teared because she is so magnanimous and special to have said that. I teared because I am peanuts as compared to her selflessness. I teared because the life I will have without you crossed my mind. I thought I will never feel that kind of pain ever again. I tried so hard to block it out, to fight it, to ignore it. But it came. Like a full-fledged eagle that swooped down from the red sky and nibbed nonchalantly at my heart. Was it hell, I thought.

Maybe I must go through hell to reach heaven.